Palm of my hand
by CaptKJaneway peadom
Summary: 'I held the world in the palm of my hand.' AU where Voyager does not get home within the 7 years. Kathryn's mask breaks.


This was written for Secret Drabble 2011. cara_mia requested a J/C story, not angsty with this first line: 'I held the world in the palm of my hand.'

Overview: AU where Voyager does not get home within the 7 years. Kathryn's mask breaks.

Rated: PG for language

AntiLitigation Protocols: I don't own 'em. All recognizable characters belong to their creators. I am just playing in the universe. No profit was made from this except my own enjoyment.

"I held the world in the palm of my hand. The sole voice of authority among a crew of over a hundred. No one to question me and no one to answer to. We had the feeling of a family, joined together by loyalty." Kathryn moved to the center of the stage. "Even after the battle with the Barnimi, they followed my orders and stood together." She paused, staring into the amber liquid in her glass, lost in a memory.

'There are no ships following, Captain.' Tuvok's voice floated through the smoke that filled the bridge.

'Fine.' Captian Janeway stood from her chair. 'Harry, what's our status?'

'All decks are reporting damage. Injuries are filling sickbay. Comm systems are down. Life support is holding, so are the force fields on the hull breach on deck fifteen.'

'Commander, I am heading to engineering to see if I can help B'Elanna with repairs. I will take the Jeffries tubes. See if you can help Harry with the Comm system. Tom find us a good hiding spot, just in case.'

Chakotay rose, acknowledging her orders with a nod. Concern colored his gaze. She could see his need to protect her, but she knew he would follow her orders. She gave him a quick nod and a half smile, relinquishing her bridge to him and duck into the access to the Jeffries tube.

Sixteen hours and two pots of coffee later, Kathryn sat in the corner of the mess hall, cursing the Barnimi in every language she could think of. Her ship was falling apart, her crew injured, all because that pompous ass didn't like a woman being in charge.

'Ignorant ass, backwards, dark ages…' she muttered angrily.

'What did I do this time?' Chakotay asked, settling beside her, a fresh cup of coffee in his hands.

'Not you.' She replied, rapping him lightly on the arm, claiming the hot cup.

'Then what's wrong?' He asked.

Kathryn's smile faded and her thoughts turned ugly. She set the coffee on the table in front of her.

'I'm so tired of it, Chakotay,' her voice was so low she wasn't sure he heard her. She could feel the heat of his body beside her. Her friend, her second, her right hand. The words slipped through the crack left in her command mask before she could stop them.

'All of it. I'm tired of fighting just to exist. I'm tired of having to make decisions that get people hurt. I 'm tired of looking over my shoulder, waiting for the crew to realize that I am a screw up in the command chair. ' her voice began to rise, tears flowing down her cheeks. She didn't register the crew that had gone silent around them. Despair filled her chest, shattering what was left of her mask. Kathryn felt the dam break, accusations, fear, and anger swirled through her. Pain over every life lost poured through her eyes and down her cheeks.

'I'm tired of the responsibility. I'm tired of holding myself away from the crew. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of putting off the man I love because of this damn job!' She finished, almost hysterically, turning to face the man who had stood beside her for eight long years, never complaining, always faithful. Slowly, she realized what she had just admitted.

His eyes bore into hers. Dark passion shining from them as he raised his hand to cup her cheek.

'First, you are not a screw up in the command chair.' His finger shifted to run through her hair.

'Second, there isn't a crew member on this ship that would not give their all for you and do so with a smile on their face. Do you honestly think we would have gotten this far without you?' He leaned towards her slightly, his finger coming to rest on the back of her neck.

'Now, I can't do anything about the aliens except help with the strategy and repairs. Only you can stop holding the crew at arms length.' He paused, fingers tightening on the back of her neck.

'As for you being alone…' he whispered, pulling her towards him. Their lips met briefly, long enough to send fire coursing through her.

'I will always be here. However, whenever you need me.' He whispered against her lips. She pulled back, breath caught in her chest, to stare into his eyes. His heart was there for her to see. He was offering her everything she needed.

A partner, a lover, a friend.

She glanced around them, taking in the smiles of the crew present. Her eyes met Tuvoks across the room. Her old friend nodded and raised his glass towards her. She turned back to Chakotay, love glowing from her eyes.

'I'm not alone.' She whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him to her for a deep soul-spinning kiss, as the crew shouted and applauded around them.

'Kathryn?'

She fell out of the memory and raised her gaze. Blue eyes met dark brown ones. She lifted her left hand to his cheek, admiring how the gold band on her finger glinted in the light.

'Yes, I held the world in the palm of my hand,' She continued, looking out at the Voyager crew. Her friends, her family. Together to celebrate another successful year in the Delta Quadrant. Her heart swelled in her chest as she took in Tom and B'Elanna to the side, babies wrapped carefully in their arms. Harry, his arm around Jenny Delaney, smiling up at the command staff. Seven and the doctor sharing a table, hands clasped together. Her eyes met Chakotay's once more, arms sliding around his waist.

'And I still do.'

Once again, the crew cheered and applauded as she met her first officers lips, sealing their vows once more.


End file.
